Dear Dr. Tony
Tony Q.
columnist
Dear
Dr. Tony,
Me and my extremely hot, long-distance girlfriend have been going steady for
about 2 years now. We really love each other, but I get this throbbing suspicion
that she is cheating on me with some boys that live by her. What should I
do?
Dear Peter,
This extremely hot, long-distance girlfriend sounds really awesome, but there
is definitely something shady going on. Here is a simple rule of thumb: if
you think she is cheating on you, she probably is. That’s what women
do. They will keep you hanging on and on while they play you like a violin.
After weeks of leading you on, they tell you they like some cool older guy,
and they will ask if you will wait until summer, or when she is ready to get
back into a relationship. Sadly you will wait because you can’t get
over her and probably never will. I know from experience, dude. But here’s
what you should do. Buy a brander that says, “Cheater”. Heat it
up and simply place it noticeably on her skin and tell her to leave. I don’t
think she will ever cheat again. Now you can feel free to play the field.
After all, you are in high school, it’s not like you’re going
to get married now.
Dear Dr. Tony,
It’s been a few months since me and my boyfriend broke up. I still text
and call him, but he acts like he doesn’t care anymore. I tell him I
love him all the time, just to be nice, and he just says, “Stop, I hate
you”. I think he’s just playing hard to get. I still think there’s
hope.
What should I do?
Dear Ms. I-can’t-take-a-hint, Pathetic. You’re a classic case
of the clingy ex-girlfriend who can’t take a hint. There is no hope
because obviously he is way better than you. And stop whining. If he wanted
to hear something as annoying as your constant “I love you” texts,
then he would buy a Jonas Brothers C.D. Get over it. I had a girl like you
once. Do you know what I did? I simply informed her all of her flaws, called
her fat and informed her on how I thought every other girl was far superior
to her in every way. Then I was kind enough to let her drive me over to her
house, do my laundry, and then cook me a steak. I never saw her again, it
was awesome. Move on.
Dear Dr. Tony,
In my Bio class, I have a huge crush on this popular boy, but we are completely
different. He doesn’t even know I exist. I want to save endangered animals;
he couldn’t care less about animals. I love classical music; he loves
that R&B stuff. I want him to notice me. What should I do?
Dear Loser,
Let me guess. He wears pants that are slightly too big, Timberland boots and
calls everyone a “hog”? Yea, I knew it. Chances are, this kid
will never notice you unless you get very popular, very fast. But if you insist
on trying, here is my advice. First off, forget about the endangered animals.
If you can’t make them into a delicious burger, then who cares? As for
the rest of your differences, just change yourself completely! It’s
that simple. Start wearing really tight, small clothes and show off your “body”.
Hopefully now he will notice that, despite the rumors, you are indeed a woman.
This is good. The next step is to buy him a ton of presents, inform him that
you simply love hockey, and start listening to Soulja Boy. This should do
the trick. If not, then just give up and realize that just because he is popular
and plays varsity sports doesn’t make him good looking or fun to be
around. I recommend the funny kids. They are always better.